Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain


 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns


 Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge


 Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain


 By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you ' ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates


 I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx


 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante


 I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


 Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine


 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield


 Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan


 Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath


 I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope


 I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it...
- W. C. Fields


 We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers


 Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill


 Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller


 By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


 And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.



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